Broken Crown: a music-fic
by Cati-dono
Summary: It's like a music video but with words! My own feelings about the Mumford and Sons song "Broken Crown", in relation to Cas, Dean, and purgatory. Similar to my previous Emily Dickinson poem-fics.


**Author's Note:** Wow, been doing a lot of one-shots lately! So, this is how I deal with my inability to make videos or graphics. I take the song and I use my words instead! I started writing this at the very beginning of the season, before we knew much more than that Benny and Dean got out and Cas didn't. As such, it doesn't really follow what has now become the canon since then. Sorry!

* * *

_Touch my mouth and hold my tongue  
I'll never be your chosen one  
I'll be home safely tucked away  
Well you can't tempt me if I don't see the day_

For the first few days Castiel hid behind his mask of insanity. Purgatory would only corrupt him if he acknowledged it, so he refused to. He drifted, sometimes not even aware of his surroundings, but always close to Dean. The human was his lifeline, his anchor to everything he had ever called home, and Castiel clung to that with all his might, even as the taint of Purgatory forced its way through his defenses. Castiel refused to let it in, to let anything in except the sound of Dean's voice telling him that it was gonna be okay, they would find a way out.

_The pull on my flesh was just too strong  
Stifled the choice and the air in my lungs  
Better not to breathe than to breathe a lie  
'Cause when I open my body I breathe in a lie _

Castiel didn't want to be made "pure". All of the time he had spent wrapping himself in madness, coving his raw and aching soul with layers of comforting nonsense and childish acts. This place was stripping it all from him now, tearing the scabs off of all of his old wounds and letting them bleed freely. Dean thought Castiel was getting better, but that was because the angel never let Dean see him at night. Night was when everything Castiel had ever done and been came back to haunt him, circling in his mind like a pack of hungry jackals. One night he finally ran from it all, and kept running, even as his heart ached for leaving Dean behind.

_But I will not speak of your sins  
There was a way out for him  
The mirror shows not  
Your values are all shot_

When Dean finally found Castiel again, he brought someone else with him. From the moment Castiel met him, he knew what Benny had done. He knew exactly the kind of vampire he'd been, and the kind of man before that. But he didn't tell Dean. Not when Benny might be Dean's only chance of getting out alive. For once Castiel was glad of the filth of purgatory that clung to him. It hid his shame as he smiled and shook Benny's hand, agreeing to trust him. A tiny part of him wondered when he had fallen so low, but it was forgotten as Dean smiled in relief.

_But oh my heart, was flawed I knew my weakness  
So hold my hand, consign me not to darkness_

Later, Castiel regretted it. As he lay on the ground screaming for Dean until his voice broke and failed, he regretted not smiting the vampire on the spot. Desperately, he reached a hand towards the light, the spot where Dean had been standing moments before. _Don't leave me here Dean. I've tried so hard to stay with you, please don't leave me now._ The thoughts pounded inside his head and all he could do was scream Dean's name. For a second he thought he saw the man turn back, but the light was fading, and with a rushing noise it was all gone. Dean was gone. The dark of purgatory closed in around Castiel like a smothering cloth, dividing him from the light and from Dean.

_So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace_

Oh Castiel had crawled. He had fought and killed and bled his way there, to that spot, for that man, only to watch him walk away. Dean was Benny's brother now, not Castiel's, and Castiel hadn't realized it until it was too late. Dean had left him here, in this stinking trap, and taken the vampire to safety instead. Castiel couldn't crawl anymore, so he just lay where he had fallen. The fabric of his coat was rough on his cheek, the reek of all his sins clinging to it like foul perfume. The last shreds of his Grace flickered feebly inside him, refusing to be extinguished.

_So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I took the road and I fucked it all away  
Now in this twilight, how dare you speak of grace_

"Castiel." He curled into himself, scrunching into a ball, trying to pull away from the voices all around him. The horrible, familiar voices.

"Never expected to see you here little angel. Where's your family? All gone? Did they leave you here to rot?" Castiel could feel them circling him, and wished they would just kill him and get it over with. He was alone again, alone with all those souls he had thrown back into the darkness.

"We'll take care of you now. You can be our family." The shadows reached out to claim him, but Castiel wouldn't go. He had been abandoned by Dean, but he would never betray him. He would never join the monsters.

_So crawl on my belly 'til the sun goes down  
I'll never wear your broken crown  
I can take the road, and I can fuck it all away  
But in this twilight, our choices seal our fate_.

Castiel might be trapped here alone for the rest of eternity, but he would never give in.


End file.
